Heh-woh, Evewee-one

I love love love sleeping in. Today, shopping and eating- the two best things to do in Scottsdale. Every time I come down here I am always re-fascinated with the cars. There are no old cars. None. No dirty cars. No cheap cars. They are all brand new and super shiny and beautiful. Today we saw a Bentley, yesterday a Rolls Royce. I can't think of anywhere else I've been where you can just see these things driving next to you or parked five spaces down.

Thank NED for John & Donna and their laptop! I miss my computer and would be going really stir-crazy if I couldn't e-mail and HilariShizzle. Last night Foo and I watched clips on hulu for a while and I found another gem from my *youth*. When I was young, maybe 10-12 or thereabouts, I would always get the same VHS from the public library: The Best of Gilda Radner on SNL. She was my pre-teen hero when everyone else was obsessing about boy bands and shit. I don't know how many times I watched that, and my favorite was when she was "BabaWawa" and had Marlene Deitrich on her show, "Not For Ladies Only." I could almost recite the whole thing. Here it is if you wish to be enlightenend: http://www.hulu.com/watch/4252/saturday-night-live-not-for-ladies-only
Yes, I was an unusual child, and my dream was to become a Film Historian and take over for Nick Clooney on AMC. Maybe in another life. Now, for a swim!

Hilarishizzle Broadcasts From Scottsdale!

Greetings from the 80 degree, incredibly aesthetically pleasing, AARP-ville that is Scottsdale, Arizona. It is sunny. I am wearing shorts and sandals. Sunscreen must be applied. OMG. Getting out of T-town is doing wonders for the soul. Rejuvination! Sleep! Delicious food! Seeing Big Teeny! (my g-ma... if you really want to know why she's called Big T, ask me later) OMG again. More to come later, as have a little computer access.

OMNED. (Ask Bailey What That Means)

Sheesh. It's Friday, my Spring Break has started, and I am officially ecstatic... but too tired to fully show it. I went out with the peeps and has a margarita (or two) to celebrate Julie's last day and hang out, and now I'm home, and it's 6:58, and I think I could wash face/brush teeth and sleep for at least 12 hours. Teaching (or attempting to) is so fuckin' exhausting. Yes, that phrase is totally worthy of the f-bomb. Do I go to bed, or have a snack/glass of wine and stay up til 8 or 9? Omned, I can't believe I just asked myself that question, let alone typed it.

My T.A. (Teacher's Assistant, yo!) is a Genius.

My T.A. doodled this on my desk-paper-stuff today. Now, in case you didn't know, I love South Park, no matter how tasteless or politically incorrect it is. In this one episode, Cartman keeps saying, "Aww, you're breakin' my balls, man, you're breakin' my balls!" M******* captured my sentiments exactly when he drew this (because my 5th period was being uber-annoying and frustrating, as usual) and told me, basically, that in this scenario, I am Cartman, the Teacher.

Okay, so maybe he's not a genius (he didn't spell "motto" correctly), but I'll take it.

Sub = Wandering Educator

I heard that on a show recently. Thought it was was funny. Hey, I'm not knocking Wandering Educators- I was one for a few months myself.

So now my mom is obsessed with Go Fug Yourself. In fact, when I went over to my parent's house on Sunday, she just had to show me this fugtastic Bjork outfit. If it weren't for Gillian, I would never have discovered the "beauty" that is fug (or my mom, either)! Moshizzle, as she named herself, left a great comment the other day about the fact that 80% of elementary teachers desperately need Stacy and Clinton's help: "No one can rock an ABC appliqued sweater, too short "mom jeans," holiday-themed socks, and reeboks like an elementary teacher!" Speaking of "mom jeans"..... http://www.hulu.com/watch/10333/saturday-night-live-mom-jeans

When I was in 9th grade, we had this long-term sub, I mean, Wandering Educator, named Ms. Choo for science. Now, Ms. Choo was more than a little nutty, and she had the most terrible "mom jeans" EVER- in the full rainbow of colors. Yes, tight at the waist, roomy for those wide hips, and tapered at the ankle (hitting at least 2 inches above her Keds) in bright magenta and teal and canary yellow. Yes, I remember- who could forget?? One day in computers, I made this great fake advertisement for "Choo Jeans" (and this was WAY before SNL made their fake ad!). Poor Ms. Choo. Why are junior high kids such assholes? She was replaced after a couple of weeks... by another Wandering Educator.

Where Has My Weekend Gone? (choking sob)

I went to Borders and I'm proud of myself for only purchasing one book, one cd, and one magazine. I had several more items in my hands but I put them back, reassuring myself that I could find them at the library... but NO! I want to read these really cool-looking graphic novels called "Rex Mundi" and a couple Batman ones, and the library has not a one.

So, I had a new & unnerving experience yesterday involving a psycho stranger...

If you know who I am, you know that I have a hair "issue," in that I don't have any on the top of my head. I've been dealing with this thing called trichotillomania for a long time; it's a nervous disorder. Most people would probably shave their heads and wear a wig or something, but I'm pretty secure with myself just the way I am, and I just don't really care what people think. Anyway, this woman just came up to me and was like, "Hello. What's wrong with you?" Now, I'm all for people asking me what's up, because I'll gladly tell them, but a stranger? Who does that?! It took me a second- I was thinking, what is she talking about? So I briefly told her (btw, I was about to get into my car). Then, this strange person asked if they could "pray for me" and I responded, "Well, YOU can do whatever YOU want to do, but I'm an atheist and I don't believe in that." Now, you would think that that would be enough for this strange person to leave me alone. How frank must I be? But no, she gave me this blank look and was like, "Well, could I pray for you right now?" and then meant like she was going to "lay hands on me" or something. And I said, "Um, did you not understand me? I don't do that. So, um, no. Thank you." She still didn't leave me alone. "Well, can I pray for you later?" I said, "Look. Go do whatever you want to do. Okay, bye," and started to get into my car, to which she responded, "God Bless You! Bless You!"

Some people are freaks!

P.S. Bailey got Jesus' business card from a student the other day. Leave us alone, people!

P.P.S. The "Motivational Poster" is courtesy of Angie. Oh, there were lots more... and they were all funny. This one seems the most relevant to my career.

"Hedley & Wyche, the British toothpaste. You don't have to brush your teeth every week, but you just might want to!"

I have always thought that running sucks, and today I was proven right once again! I did soccer and track and all that shiz back in junior high school and was "good" at it then... but why I even did it at all is still a mystery to me. Actually, I even got a 6:45 mile in a race but then proceeded to pee half of my pants (well, shorts, really) as I crossed the finish line. Then I hastily shoved on my warm up pants in an effort to conceal the atrocity. True story. I went home that day satisfied with the fact that I didn't finish last, but also burdened with the shame of being an adolescent shorts-wetter. It's different when you're in a race, okay? You really, well, push yourself... and you MUST remember to go BEFORE you start.

Anyway, today was our annual school fun run thing and I actually ran (much more like jogging at a walking pace) the thing, which was not that long. So how is it that the machine at the Y will say that I've run, like 4 miles on the cross trainer and I feel just fine, but when I actually run, feet pounding pavement, for only a mile and a half, it sucks so hard?

Blech. In funny clip news, I found hulu, which has tons of good funny clips (and free whole t.v. shows & movies) but makes you sit through 10 second ads every so often. Oh well. For anyone who's watched any Project Runway recently, please watch this and try to tell me that Amy Poehler didn't actually morph into Christian Siriano: http://www.hulu.com/watch/11932/saturday-night-live-new-bravo-show#p:2,s:view_count_today,i:vsl_clip_77

And another one, especially for my sister... Foo, all I'll say is, "And it taists grait on a crackah!"
http://www.hulu.com/watch/3516/saturday-night-live-hedley-and-wyche#p:35,s:view_count_today,i:vsl_clip_77

Okay, must go to bed.

I Fart In Your General Direction!

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!

And some people have too much time on their hands...

Yesterday, and I don't even know how I ended up looking at this stuff, but I was watching videos (or at least the first part of them) on youtube where people had re-created entire scenes from films using legos! Indiana Jones, Harry Potter, and my favorite scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" featuring the French Taunter! Wow. This is why I was scared of the internet.... because you can find, of all of the infinite possibilites, one of your favorite Monty Python scenes reconfigured with lego dudes. Hmmm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFFeE7FbZms&feature=related

One more day left this week! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Why I Love Pink

Last semester I read Night with my 5th period class. You know, the one about surviving the Holocaust as an adolescent boy? The horrors of deportation and the terrors of Concentration Camps? It was quite a stretch, but we made it through, and the kids actually learned some stuff. So, an assignment they had when we were almost done was to chose a scene to illustrate, using descriptions from the book to draw the details and layout and stuff. You are looking at a fine example.

Now, this student chose to illustrate a horrifying scene, that of when the author and his townspeople are tightly packed in a cattle car for a week with no food and a single bucket of water. One woman goes nuts and starts seeing flames, shouting, "Jews! The Flames!" over and over. So that is what this picture is supposed to be depicting. Just take a closer look at that hair. Because you know, when you've been on a train for a week, barely able to sit down, starving and having delusions, your first priority is to gel your flat-ironed bangs to your forehead and put your remaining hair in a poofy bun.

I Heart Thin Mints

Girl Scout cookies are such a rip off at $4 a box.... except for the Thin Mints. Oh, how I love them! And I have stuff to make White Russians from a couple weeks ago, and in honor of this (basically) drinking holiday, I think I'll have one at some point tonight. Other than that, just tired! Worked all effing day on this presentation, which is super lame-o because the whole thing was only 15 minutes long. The thing went pretty well though, I guess... but what was all of that effort for? I'm at a loss.

I had a student say to me in 6th period today, "YOU better do something or else I'M going to smack him [another student]!!" I calmly replied, "Well, M********, only you are in charge of your own actions." And then she proceeded to smack the kid. Not that he didn't deserve it, mind you. But, still. Oh my.

So this one was suggested by Angie the other day, and it's really quite clever. Take a peek at Apple's latest invention, the "Irack": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw2nkoGLhrE

I'm STILL Supposed to Be Working...

My profile is correct: I am a nerd; this is my third posting of the day. I've realized that my biggest blogging conundrum is the fact that it's hard for me to resist a) posting, and b) not writing way too much. I always want to write write write when I should just shutup shutup SHUTUP!

Anyway, Gina and I worked for, like, 4 hours on this friggin' presentation. We decided to wait for our principal to come to us tomorrow and ask, "So, are you ready?" and we're going to feign ignorance, probably saying something like, "Oh, that was today? Oh yeah... well, we're not really ready. I mean, what can we say, anyway?" She's going to shiz a brick!! Of course, we ARE ready and we're going way beyond the expectations, I think. Anyway, I am still supposed to be working on it. Instead, I'm thinking about funny stuff and deciding on the Flight of the Conchords once again (big surprise). Check out my other fave, the Hiphoppopotamus and the Rhymenoceros here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=FArZxLj6DLk

Can you tell I love these guys? Ooh, and they're coming to Sasquatch! Me an' Foo are So There!

My own personal "band" is 2GRLZ4GOD, which I actually came up with (with Beth, of course) this summer before I had even seen FotC. More on my band later.

I'm Supposed to Be Working...

It's Sunday, my "day off"- but, you see, as a teacher, the "weekend off" doesn't really exist. If you don't want to be a shizzy teacher, you have to plan stuff, grade stuff, basically work for at least a couple of hours on Sunday. I really need to be NOT doing this right now because I have this presentation to plan for the Holier-Than-Thou Principals, but I just can't resist. Blogging is fun.

*IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER*

Well, not really a disclaimer per se, but if you do NOT think that a) farts are funny, and/or b) making fun of religious fanatics is funny, well, then, you probably don't want to read this, because, a) farts, and b) making fun of religion are, like, my two favorite things to do. Now, don't get me wrong- religious people who are not totally judgy and don't try and cram their beliefs down my throat are a-okay. More power to them. But, unfortunately, in my experience, this is seldom the case. Check out Farting Preacher if you haven't seen him before (and even if you have!): http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/255/

Foux De Fa Fa

I teach French to pre-adolescents. Just thought I'd mention that.

Also worth mentioning, my current favorite funny show is Flight of the Conchords, which recently came out on DVD. Fabulously hilarious. If you don't think this show is funny, well, then... I don't think I can associate with you.

How do these two comments fit together? Check out this video: "Foux De Fa Fa" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5hrUGFhsXo&NR=1) sung by none other than New Zealand's Fourth Most Popular Folk Parody Duo. Ah, if only French people really did mention Gerard Depardieu and Camenbert in everyday conversations, ride a bicyclette around the town clad in bright primarily-colored neckties, and enjoy dancing at the local discotheque.

Okay... (deep breath)... Here goes.

Alright, so I've been wanting to jump on this whole blogging thing but have been too chicken. Why, you might ask? Well, the Internet kind-of scares me (notice how I gave it a capital letter?). It's just so.... BIG. There are too many choices for me to handle. Too much stuff. I can't even choose a paint color for the bathroom- how can I create a blog? What, of all of the infinite possibilities, do I call it? Put on it? Do with it? Oooh, typing this is giving me anxiety. Yet I will be just fine. I've created it. It's DONE!

So, I decided that I would mostly want to talk about stuff that I think is funny, hence the name: HiliariShizzle. Don't sue me if every single thing isn't completely and totally hilarious, but hopefully it will be at least amusing. Even though Snoop Dog (or whoever) coined "fo' shizzle" several years ago and it's really not cool anymore, I still think it's funny. One time I almost got a doormat that said, "Fo' Shizzle, Welcome to My Hizzle."

Did I mention that I'm a teacher? Working in a Middle School? Funny shiz happens in school all the freakin' time, and I'll put it all right here.